"Shame is a soul eating emotion."
- Carl Gustav Jung
I remember being a new mom and was paralyzed by postpartum anxiety. It was partially due to an undiagnosed thyroid medical condition that could have been resolved with the proper emotional and medical support. Being a new blurry eyed mom disconnected from my body, sense of self and the many surrounding images and opinions of others of what motherhood should be/look like, left me in one of my biggest anxiety shame spirals of my life. My hyper fixation was heavily attributed to living up to an antiquated concept of perfectionism and my cultural “pre-conditioned and partially determined roles” as a mother and wife.
“Perfectionism is in the driver's seat, shame is riding shotgun and fear is in the back seat.”
- Brenne Brown
I truly didn't know what was going on with me. I knew I Ioved my son deeply but was so caught up in the shame I felt about my anxious thoughts as a new mother and being perpetually stuck in the compare and despair syndrome. I thought there was something deeply wrong with me, that I couldn't enjoy motherhood the way Facebook or movies or society had portrayed it to be. I felt I wasn't good enough or fit to be a mother, despite the positive affirmations & validations received from my family and friends. I was stuck in the shame cave not sharing with anyone what was happening with me. Alone in my thoughts forcing happy most of the days, masking my inadequacy with the cutest outfit I could buy to put on my son, to post on Facebook, and numbing my feelings with mindless tasks, eating and alcohol. Everyone around me, on the outside seemed to have it together. The irony of it all was the more together I appeared on the outside the deeper my own self loathing consumed me. If I looked like I had it together then people wouldn't question, doubt, and judge my parenting, hiding it was easier than leaving myself susceptible to the judgment I feared or even worse confirming all that I felt inside. Motherhood should have felt natural but i often found myself in anxiety and shame and feeling like i was doing it all wrong.
My own experience led me to seek professional help that opened up my world to mindfulness based practices. It gave solace to the suffering and I started to enjoy motherhood. I gave myself a lot of grace and released the clutches of control. I stopped beating myself up and all the ways I perceived I was falling and started to focus on all I was doing well. I started nourishing my body with healthier foods and went out on walks. I started to socialize with other moms. I leaned into self compassion and love. Shame lives in isolation, I had to get out of my own self imposed prison to see that I was not alone in my feelings and that motherhood does not come as natural as the expectations may have been.
Before, we understand how to dissolve the gut churning emotions of self loathing and inadequacy that shame brings on - it's important to address the root cause of shame.
Shame cannot exist alone, it is a perception, of the self built over a period of time based predominantly on cultural & societal norms and parental socialization. For all intents and purposes and for some clarity, the socialization process on the whole is not meant to harm, intentionally that is, however the process of discipline to many can take the shape of shaming. Comparison to siblings or others, sharing behaviors of a child in public and or being extra punitive when mistakes occur. Most, depending on a child's development of shame happens during the window of ages 3-6, prior to that children do not have an understanding of what is morally sound, they also don't have the ability to harm intentionally or engage in any behaviors that could create feelings of shame. In other words there is no conscious awareness and internalization of it. Shame exists in the context of what we have been told is morally acceptable or not. There is a duality with every emotion we feel, a healthy amount of shame (not internalized) can allow us the balance to maintain our moral compass as to not engage in activities and behaviors or thinking not aligned with our values, personal boundaries and standards of living. Similar to anxiety, too much of it can be paralyzing but enough of it allows us to give that presentation, ace the test. It keeps us focused and alert.
There is also toxic shame when we feel a deep inadequacy, engrained unworthiness, that we are innately bad or flawed not based on a fleeting external experience that may have caused it.
In adulthood, toxic shame is induced by self destructive behaviors or thinking reinforced by experiences from the past. The end result of engaging in behaviors that are against our core values and disconnected from our authenticity. Shame lives and thrives in secrecy and fear. We often don't share the darkest secrets of ourselves not to be ostracized and othered. Not to be judged and isolated. So we isolate ourselves and let the shame fester which perpetuates a vicious cycle. Shame takes the cake of being one of the most complex of human emotions, especially where there is a huge loss of sense of self.
As off putting and depressing this all may sound there are many ways in which we can move through shame and create a safe space within us. Rich with integrity,transparency and aligned with our values.Shame lives in the darkest corners of our minds. It thrives in isolation and fear. The only way to deprive it from its oxygen is watering it with love and exposing it to the light. Releasing it from its containment, It shows up in the most insidious ways when we least expect it.
Here are 4 ways to crawl out of the shame cave and into the light.
- Acknowledge your humanity.
Our darkest thoughts and experiences are collectively shared with all humans. It is often a universal language spoken by all of us. No one is immune. What leaves us feeling alone in our thoughts and emotions is the lack of conversation around them. Write your shame story and let it burn. Release it and suffocate it like you would a fire depriving it from oxygen. Honor it by thanking it for keeping you safe and serving its purpose. Deep shame can be a catalyst to meaningful change. We can alchemize it into a source of growth and resilience by accepting it and befriending it as a part of our humanity and taking the next steps to heal and move through it. - Apply a heavy dose of self-compassion. - The attachment and the story we create around the shame is what creates our burdens/suffering.
Becoming a neutral observer of our thoughts enables us to become curious about ourselves rather than condemn all that is being revealed. Oftentimes when we have harsh thoughts about our feelings we amplify our suffering. These are called meta emotions (when we have feelings about our feelings). Through the power of observation we get to attune to the entanglement of those thoughts. Then we can separate the actual circumstance from the heavy thoughts that weigh it down. Through this process we can begin to loosen our grip and release with love, kindness and compassion. This may seem like a simple concept in theory but in practice when first starting out can be quite challenging.
I can only give to you as I have given to me. Wholeness is when lies no longer stand in between who you are. The process of UN-learning can be just as uncomfortable as learning. Retraining the brain takes trust & patience, but the rewards are exponential. though delayed at times. - Find a community of like minded individuals and or friend/s that will hold you - giving the shame no room to hide.
Having a community or a trusted confidant who can be a compassionate witness to your feelings and experiences. that will not pass judgment is a one of A therapist, a spiritual advisor. - Reconnect with yourself - Connect with the things you love and are aligned with, shame mostly lives onto the perception of others or in reflection of how we appear or what people may think of us.
Set clear boundaries around time spent with people that may be draining or are hyper critical or judgmental, set limits around how much social media you consume. Take up an activity to boost your self esteem. Tap into your creativity. Explore outlets that will bring you joy that are only for you. Challenge your daily routine (this is also helpful in getting out of a rut as well).